By Emma Carson, Staff Writer
It’s the middle of the night. The room is lit only by the dim streetlights and my eyes stare up at the ceiling fan, counting the seconds as the blades go around, stressed and unsettled. I have been awake for the past 18 hours, unable to sleep and plagued by the pressure of time. The thought of all the time I have lost and all the time I have left to lose causes my head to pound. Usually, I am able to dismiss these feelings of powerlessness, but my angst and irritability climb; anxiety and the destructive power of my own imagination cloud my brain. Accepting that the past is in the past and I can only focus on the future drains my mental power and I inevitably hurl myself towards a lifetime of this detrimental mindset. Time is uncontrollable and troubling, keeping me awake at night when I am most vulnerable to wasting time.
Society teaches us that we should have time constraints on many of the things we do. While many of these guidelines can be helpful and reasonable, there is too much pressure put on us, especially as teenagers. I believe many of my peers can relate to what I feel. Putting these troubles into words is difficult, but it has something to do with being forced to grow up at an alarmingly rapid rate. Four years of high school seems like enough time to accept our futures, and while it has proven that it guides us to live successful lives, we can’t fight these hidden anxieties that can cause serious harm and add to the paranoia and fear of becoming older.
This hidden paranoia presents itself daily. Not a day has gone by while being 17 where I don’t think about both my past and my future. I think about it at night, interrupting valuable time for rest and I think about it in class, with friends, at concerts, and places where I am supposed to be enjoying myself. Instead, I drift off, dissociating from the world because I cannot breathe another breath without time moving forward and that terrifies me. I cannot live my life without this nagging feeling, yet truth, that I will never ever be this young again. I get caught thinking about the past; how I will never get to redo any experience that already passed me by.
How do I go on with my life, knowing that one day in my 40s or 50s I am going to have a real breakdown because I wasted so much time? Time that I will never get back. My youth is being wasted and dragged out of me and it’s as if I am just on the sideline watching. I could have read so many books, had so many conversations, or done so much work with all the time I already wasted. Being sucked into my phone or the television, lying in bed during the most valuable hours of the day are what steal this precious currency away from me and I am the thief. Even listening to the same music every single day makes me stressed, but I do nothing to change this habit. The only way to fix this dilemma is to truly delve into my own mind.
The power of the mind goes undetected by many people. I am certainly guilty of this. We can choose to live our lives in fear, questioning every single possibility or outcome of a decision we didn’t make. We dwell on the past, dampening our moods and adding onto a conscious fear. We can either choose to put ourselves in a position to become depressed and unhappy or we can stray from this dark, lonely path and choose to only focus on the present. This doesn’t mean we can’t reminisce, but we should try to do so only in healthy doses and with intentions to celebrate past occurrences instead of longing for a “better time.” If we take the time to look at ourselves deeply we can pull ourselves out of the sea of regret and yearning.