Disclaimer: This article is purely satirical. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Written By: Jonathan Viene, Staff Writer
PROPAGANDA: FEMA’s hurricane machine cooked up a whole new storm.
Yes, you heard that right. The government is LYING to you. And I urge you, from one concerned citizen to another, to open your third eye and wake up to these government’s schemes!
You and other patriots like myself may have been understandably perturbed by the so-called “hurricanes” supposedly “striking” the quote-un-quote “Gulf of Mexico”. I found this suspicious. For a MYRIAD of reasons.
1.) This has NEVER happened before. We’re supposed to believe that, for the thousands of years since Jesus died on that cross for our sins, we’ve been cursed with maybe one hurricane, and a pathetic category 1 or category 2 at that. But then, suddenly, seemingly rapidly, we’re getting TWO category five hurricanes in the SAME year? I mean, back in the good old days, the weather used to not be this bad. What could possibly explain this? The liberal woke left will tell you its them plastic straws. Well, joke’s on you buddy, I don’t drink the water.
2.) They’re saying FEMA this, FEMA that, but what does FEMA even stand for? The government won’t tell you this! After doing some digging, I found out that it means Free. Expensive. Money. For ALIENS. Illegal Aliens, that is. They have given at LEAST 400 trillion to these people. This is a socialist crime against democracy!
And last, but not least; this weekend, I turned to X (formerly twitter, when it was WOKE). You will never guess what I found.
3.) The smoking gun. The government has a MACHINE to create hurricanes. They use it EVERY YEAR to destroy the most dangerous enemies of the state—specifically Florida, aka the anti-WOKE state. I used to think Joe Biden was sleepy, but now I know the truth: I was the sleepy one. You may ask, well, why is there no proof of such a machine existing? Well, I raise you a better question: would the government reveal their secrets?
Notice how when these so-called “experts” started warning about climate change, the climate started changing. They manufactured it!
Now, call me a conspiracy theorist, but coincidence? I think.. NOT!
So-called “analysts” and experts will not tell you this. They have studied in this field for decades and claim to know the facts. The “so-called” facts that is. Yada yada, the word is sinking, yada yada, the sky is falling, yada yada, yada yada. They have been emaciated by the deep state, and frankly they are too far gone. Trust me, patriot, for I have what they do not have. An education from Hard Knocks University, baby. I do my own research. For example, take a gander at this graph I made.
See! The Deep State doesn’t want you to see this.
This just goes to show you.. You can’t trust the LYING elites. That’s why I look up to Elon Musk— the bastion of courage and humility we need at the vanguard of a free speech crusade against these elites. We need to stop these billionaires controlling the media and using their platforms to push their own agenda, something Elon would NEVER do. He isn’t like the rest of them. He wouldn’t lie to me!
His website X has changed my life. I now proudly pay $8/month for free speech, but let me tell you, that is a small price to pay to own the libs. It’s so refreshing to finally not have to listen to that propaganda the media shoved down our throats. Instead, I follow the likes of @MTGreene and @KremlinKrusader567. I am not sure what Kremlin means, but it sounds really cool, just like Elon Musk. From them, I have learned so much. They confirm all my so-called “conspiracy theories” to be true! Heh, where are your so-called “facts” and “evidence” now, liberals?
And, this brings me to my so-called masters thesis. My magnum opus. My piece de la resistance, as they say in WOKE France, if that is a real country. As a proud Florida resident of many years, I am done evacuating from fake hurricanes. When you say”Category 5” hurricane, I say bring it on. I will be there on my front lawn with a cold drink, and the REAL storm will be the one we unleash when we expose the deep state!
Please wish me godspeed on my quest. I will return with updates.
Signed,
The One True Free Thinker