Leilani Orozco, Staff Writer
HUMANS: Please make my humans go back into the world.
It’s been 243 days since my human servants invaded my house. They don’t go out except to fetch me food but it takes them less than half a day. I don’t know how much longer I can take this. The first week they stayed home, I thought spring break had been extended to the whole family. I was wrong! All five of them were at MY house, EVERY DAY, for an entire month! I was finally able to rid myself of two humans, they only came home to sleep. My accomplishment was so grand, the television even thanked the humans for leaving. They were called essential workers, whatever that means, but I’m sure I made them that. I’m so proud of myself. My wisdom almost matches my beauty.
When I realized the rest of the humans weren’t leaving I decided to put them to work. It took a lot of energy out of me. If they were going to be near me at all times, they should at least be at my command. The oldest female human, known as “mom”, was the easiest to handle. With one loud meow and a jump on the bed, I had her bowing at my feet. She thinks I love her, I do, I love her for the food she feeds me. She buys the good stuff. The little boy was the hardest to deal with. In July, I had just finished bathing myself and he had the audacity to pick me up and ruin my beautiful clean fur. I had to re-bathe myself, it gave me a headache. The last human was hard to compel with my charm, but I got her to listen. Sometimes she decides not to listen but eventually, my meows annoy her so much that she is forced to obey me. I mainly use her to keep me warm at night. Her bed is the comfiest of the house like the one Goldie Locks decides to use. It’s not too soft or stiff, it’s just right.
It used to be pure comedy anytime they thought I was their pet. That being said, I wish they’d get a new joke. It’s getting old. The more time they spend at my house the more they think I belong to them. I despise them for that. They get bored and try to make me pay attention to them. Mom hunted a fake fish and brought it to my feet as a gift. It’s obvious she’s clueless when hunting. If she wanted to bring me a gift she shouldn’t have hunted on amazon, she needed to go to target. That’s where she got me the catnip stuffed toy. She should bring me more of those. I love catnip! Anytime they bring it out I go nuts! Bananas! Cuckoo! It’s one of the few times I grant my humans permission some love from me. If I give them more love they will become clingy. I don’t think I would survive any more cling from them, they are too much sometimes. I have had to hide around the house to avoid them during the day. I’m running out of places to hide. Yesterday I had to hide in the hallway closet. It was very warm but it echoed in there like crazy. My ears were sore after five minutes so I went and hid in another room.
My life is becoming so dull with my human servants always at home. I see other humans outside, but it seems my servants are agitated by them. They only stay calm when humans have strange white things over their faces. There’s all this squealing about something called Covid, it’s the reason everyone wears those white things. I guess Covid is some sort of severe bad breath disease, everyone’s breath must smell pretty bad out there! Everyone should just chew gum. I should tell them that! But how? I’ll have to invest some alone time into learning how to talk, but for now, I am at human mercy. So to the human population out in the world. Make my humans go away again! You are my last resort.
Sincerely
– Pepper The Cat
